Read it twice

A bus stops and 2 men get out. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first. But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then i come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig", she reported indignantly, "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'. "

(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)

At the hairdresser's

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
- Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You are crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?
- We are taking Continental, we got a great rate!
- Continental? That's a terrible airline! - the hairdresser responded. - Their planes are old, their fight attendants are ugly, and they are always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?
- We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.
- Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.
- We are going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.
- That is rich - laughed the hairdresser, - You and a million other people trying to see him. He will look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on on this lousy trip of yours. You are going to need it.

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
- It was wonderful, - explained the woman, - Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and the wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They had just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and it is now a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!
- Well, - muttered the hairdresser, - That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
- Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! i knelt down and he spoke few words to me.
- Oh, really? What did he say? - the hairdresser was curious.
- He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Speeding

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Traffic officer: Yes madam, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic officer: Can I see your license please?

Older woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic officer: You don't have one?

Older woman: No, I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older woman: I can't do that.

Traffic officer: Why not?

Older woman: I stole this car.

Traffic officer: You what?!

Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Husband surprise

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife stays at home and merely does nothing. I want her to know what I go through. So please, allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish...

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school... Came home and picked up he dry cleaning, took it to the cleaner's and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1 PM and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed. At 9 PM he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay at home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

Best divorce letter ever

Dear wife,


I'm writing you this letter to tell you I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of slick boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore.... you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore...whatever the case, I'm gone.

                                                                                    Your EX husband


p.s. don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




Dear EX husband,


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl". Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you don't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I came home you were gone...
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So, take care.

Your ex wife, rich as hell and free


p.s. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem...

o  

Samurai

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head of the samurais. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth until the word is spread throughout the world.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH! The fly drops dead on the ground cut in 2 pieces. The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH! WHOOOOOSH! The fly drops dead on the ground cut in 4 pieces. The emperor says: "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." so the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies: "If you look closely, you will see that the fly has been circumcised."

Funny babies

Witty Murphy

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss though "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman", so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was:
- Without using numbers, represent the number 9.
So Murphy says:
-Dat's easy - and proceeds to draw three trees.


The boss says:
- What the hell is that?
Murphy says:
- Tree and tree and tree makes nine.
- Fair enough - says the boss. - Second question, same rules, but represent the number 99.
Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
- Der ya go sir - he says.
The boss scratches his head and says:
- How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
Murphy says:
- Each tree is dirty now! So it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree, dats 99.
The boss is getting worried he is going to have to hire him, so he says:
- All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts
- Got it!
He makes a little mark at the base on each tree, and says:
- Der ya go sir 100.
The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks "Ha! Got him this time!"
- Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred.
Murphy leans forward and points to the mark at the tree bases, and says:
- A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?

When you gotta go, you gotta go

You no longer have to miss 
the action because you ran to the restroom.

Left-handed

 

                                                   Wife: What will you do if I die? Will you marry  again?

                                                   Husband: Of course not!

                                                   Wife: Why? Don't you like being married?

                                                   Husband: I like it, of course I like it.

                                                   Wife: Then why won't you marry again?

                                                   Husband: All right then, I will marry again.

                                                   Wife: (nervous) Ah so...

                                                   Husband: (stays quiet)

                                                   Wife: Will you live in our house?

                                                   Husband: Why not. Our house is really nice.

                                                   Wife: Will you sleep in our bed too?

                                                   Husband: Where else???

                                                   Wife: And will you let her drive my car?

                                                   Husband: Of course. Your car is brand new.

                                                   Wife: And will you replace my photographs with hers?

                                                   Husband: That would be a smart thing to do.

                                                   Wife: And will you let her play with my golf clubs? 

                                                   Husband: No, she is left-handed..... 

                                                   Husband: Oooops....

Difficult to say

Things that are difficult to say 

when drunk:

- Innovative

- Preliminary

- Proliferation

- Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult 

to say when drunk:

- Specificity

- British Constitution

- Passive - aggressive disorder

Things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

- Nope, no more beer for me

- Sorry, but you're really not my type
- Let's not fight, please let's discuss the matter
- It is absurd to piss by a tree, any toilets around?

- Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

- Oh, I couldn't.... No one wants to hear me sing
- I will go now, I work tomorrow morning

Stone age internet

Did you ever wonder how internet looked like in the stone age?

Why men are happier

     Men are just happier people. 

     Why? 

     Here are some of the reasons:

        1. Your last name stays the same.

        2. The garage is all yours.

        3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

        4. Chocolate is just another snack.

        5. You can be President.

6. You can never be pregnant.

7. You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

10. The world is your urinal.

Answering machine messages part 1

Thank you for calling Star Fleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from and how many Klingons are attacking.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He is either saving the Universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nap. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channel in the 24th century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

Drinking fault finder

A solution to all your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front is wet

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to the wrong part of the face

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer usually pale and clear

Fault: Glass is empty

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Solution: Turn glass so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.

Reincarnation

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 

- Who the hell are you? -  demanded Jason, - and what are you doing in my bedroom?

The mysterious man answered:

- This isn't your bedroom and I am St.Peter.

Jason was stunned:

- You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back right away!

St.Peter replied:

- Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. I can only send you back as a dog or a hen. 

Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. In a second he was covered with feathers and clicking around pecking the ground. 

- This ain't so bad - he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said:

- So you are the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?

- It's not so bad - replies Jason - but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.

- You are ovulating - explained the rooster - don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.

- Never - Jason replied honestly.

-Well, just relax and let it happen -the rooster encouraged him.

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that happened to him ... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:

-Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!!!

Weirdest inventions

I can only imagine the fun wearing this ridiculous invention, but, one remark, where is the bra for two? And still, taking off Fundies seems to be easy, but how do you put them on?

This is supposed to be for cleaning... but it looks like bacon, smells like bacon and is simply disgusting. won't be surprised if I see another invention like this, maybe a liver soap, kidney soap, pancreas soap? 

How do we shower?

A quick tutorial for all men and women.

How to shower - a quick tutorial for the women

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas of your body.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and purnice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clear.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Tips for understanding women

Men always say they can't understand women. After reading this you will get the idea why. Here are some of the most used and misunderstood words and phrases all women use that you have heard million times so far:





1. Fine. - I am right. The argument is over. You need to shut up now.

2. That's ok. - One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's ok" means that she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing. - The calm before the storm. This means "something" and you'd better be on your toes. Note: Arguments starting with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (see #1).

4. Five minutes. - if getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It is the same definition for you when it is your turn to do some chores around the house).

5. Thanks. - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say "you're welcome" and let it go.

6. Loud sigh. - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).

7. Go ahead. - this is a dare, not a permission (Don't do it!).

8. Don't worry about it, I got it. - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and now she is doing it herself  (This will result in you asking her at a later date "What's wrong?" and for her response see #3).

Someone once said "Silence is golden" ..... Or, if you prefer, some loud music will do the trick. After that, be prepared for #2 from the list above.

Boyfriend embarrassment

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her:
-Honey, would you give me a BJ?

Horrified, she replies:
-Are you mad??? My parents will see us !!!
-Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour? - he asks grinning at her.
-No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?
-Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!
-No way! It's just too risky!
-Oh please please please... I love you so much?!? - he doesn't stop persuading her.
-No, no and no! I love you too, but I just can't!
-Oh yes you can. Please?- the boyfriend is desperate.
-No, no. I just cant....
-I'm begging you?...

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair all messed, and in a sleepy voice she says:

-Dad says to go ahead and give him a BJ, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom will do it, or even dad. But for God's sake tell him to take his f***ing hand off the intercom!!!

Funny stories

At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:

• Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
• Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
• Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
• Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
• Tourist: "Why not?"
• Me: "Because it's extinct."
• Tourist: "Still?"
• Me: "Yes."

Frustrated, he left.

I can guess your name!!!

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Nickame generator

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Funny online reviews

Daily dose of humor

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".
Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".
Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says...
"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!





There was this woman who was a big boxing fan, so she went to the tattoo parlor and told the guy that she wanted a picture of Mike Tyson tattooed on the inside of one thigh, and a picture of Evander Holifield tattooed on the inside of the other thigh.
Several hours later, he announces that he's finished. She looks down at his work, but does not think that the tattoos resemble either fighter, so she decides to get a second opinion.
She asks another customer in the shop, "Are you a Boxing fan?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, could you come inside for a second and answer a question for me?" she asked.
So they go inside the office and she opens her legs and asks, "Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Holifield?"
The man bends over and takes a good, long look and says, "I don't know about Tyson and Holifield, but the one in the middle sure does look like Don King! 



A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!