Politically correct

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" 

    She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"

    She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" 

    She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" 

    She is"LIGHT- HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"

    She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"

    She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" 

    She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" 

    She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you 

    She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" 

      She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" 

      She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" 

      She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Drinking fault finder

A solution to all your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front is wet

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to the wrong part of the face

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer usually pale and clear

Fault: Glass is empty

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Solution: Turn glass so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.

How do we shower?

A quick tutorial for all men and women.

How to shower - a quick tutorial for the women

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas of your body.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and purnice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clear.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.