The old bride

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the forth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying at the age of 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

- He is a funeral director - she answered.
- Interesting - the newsman replied.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for living.
She paused for a little moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she was first married to a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, later to a preacher when she was in her 60's, and now, in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

- Easy son, - she smiled, - I married one for the money...two for the show....three to get ready...and four to go!

Real internet addiction

You are maliciously internet addicted when:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your child in the overhead compartment

8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8....ISDN....cable modem...T1....T3.....

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading

Politically correct

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" 

    She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"

    She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" 

    She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" 

    She is"LIGHT- HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"

    She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"

    She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" 

    She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" 

    She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you 

    She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" 

      She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" 

      She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" 

      She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

What I want in a man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover 

Why a handgun is better than a woman

You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

 You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Letter to husband

My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. 

 Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. 

 The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. 

 I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. 

                                           I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

                                           I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. 

                                          Your loving wife.

                                          XXX 

                                          P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Read it twice

A bus stops and 2 men get out. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first. But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then i come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig", she reported indignantly, "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'. "

(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)

At the hairdresser's

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
- Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You are crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?
- We are taking Continental, we got a great rate!
- Continental? That's a terrible airline! - the hairdresser responded. - Their planes are old, their fight attendants are ugly, and they are always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?
- We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.
- Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.
- We are going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.
- That is rich - laughed the hairdresser, - You and a million other people trying to see him. He will look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on on this lousy trip of yours. You are going to need it.

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
- It was wonderful, - explained the woman, - Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and the wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They had just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and it is now a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!
- Well, - muttered the hairdresser, - That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
- Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! i knelt down and he spoke few words to me.
- Oh, really? What did he say? - the hairdresser was curious.
- He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Husband surprise

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife stays at home and merely does nothing. I want her to know what I go through. So please, allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish...

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school... Came home and picked up he dry cleaning, took it to the cleaner's and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 1 PM and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed. At 9 PM he was exhausted, and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife being able to stay at home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

Best divorce letter ever

Dear wife,


I'm writing you this letter to tell you I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of slick boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore.... you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore...whatever the case, I'm gone.

                                                                                    Your EX husband


p.s. don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




Dear EX husband,


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl". Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you don't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I came home you were gone...
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So, take care.

Your ex wife, rich as hell and free


p.s. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem...

o  

How do we shower?

A quick tutorial for all men and women.

How to shower - a quick tutorial for the women

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas of your body.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and purnice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clear.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Tips for understanding women

Men always say they can't understand women. After reading this you will get the idea why. Here are some of the most used and misunderstood words and phrases all women use that you have heard million times so far:





1. Fine. - I am right. The argument is over. You need to shut up now.

2. That's ok. - One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's ok" means that she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing. - The calm before the storm. This means "something" and you'd better be on your toes. Note: Arguments starting with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (see #1).

4. Five minutes. - if getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It is the same definition for you when it is your turn to do some chores around the house).

5. Thanks. - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say "you're welcome" and let it go.

6. Loud sigh. - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).

7. Go ahead. - this is a dare, not a permission (Don't do it!).

8. Don't worry about it, I got it. - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and now she is doing it herself  (This will result in you asking her at a later date "What's wrong?" and for her response see #3).

Someone once said "Silence is golden" ..... Or, if you prefer, some loud music will do the trick. After that, be prepared for #2 from the list above.