Politically correct

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" 

    She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"

    She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" 

    She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" 

    She is"LIGHT- HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"

    She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"

    She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" 

    She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" 

    She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you 

    She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" 

      She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" 

      She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" 

      She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Drinking fault finder

A solution to all your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front is wet

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to the wrong part of the face

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer usually pale and clear

Fault: Glass is empty

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Solution: Turn glass so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.

Tips for understanding women

Men always say they can't understand women. After reading this you will get the idea why. Here are some of the most used and misunderstood words and phrases all women use that you have heard million times so far:





1. Fine. - I am right. The argument is over. You need to shut up now.

2. That's ok. - One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's ok" means that she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing. - The calm before the storm. This means "something" and you'd better be on your toes. Note: Arguments starting with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (see #1).

4. Five minutes. - if getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It is the same definition for you when it is your turn to do some chores around the house).

5. Thanks. - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say "you're welcome" and let it go.

6. Loud sigh. - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).

7. Go ahead. - this is a dare, not a permission (Don't do it!).

8. Don't worry about it, I got it. - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and now she is doing it herself  (This will result in you asking her at a later date "What's wrong?" and for her response see #3).

Someone once said "Silence is golden" ..... Or, if you prefer, some loud music will do the trick. After that, be prepared for #2 from the list above.