Drinking fault finder

A solution to all your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front is wet

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to the wrong part of the face

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer usually pale and clear

Fault: Glass is empty

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Solution: Turn glass so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Loss of self-control

Solution: Go and stand beside the nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to darts match in progress

Solution: Insert broom handle down the back of your jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving

Fault: You are being carried out

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Solution: If the glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends

Fault: You have fallen over forwards

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls and ceiling

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim

Fault: The pub is closing

Solution: Panic.