Left-handed

 

                                                   Wife: What will you do if I die? Will you marry  again?

                                                   Husband: Of course not!

                                                   Wife: Why? Don't you like being married?

                                                   Husband: I like it, of course I like it.

                                                   Wife: Then why won't you marry again?

                                                   Husband: All right then, I will marry again.

                                                   Wife: (nervous) Ah so...

                                                   Husband: (stays quiet)

                                                   Wife: Will you live in our house?

                                                   Husband: Why not. Our house is really nice.

                                                   Wife: Will you sleep in our bed too?

                                                   Husband: Where else???

                                                   Wife: And will you let her drive my car?

                                                   Husband: Of course. Your car is brand new.

                                                   Wife: And will you replace my photographs with hers?

                                                   Husband: That would be a smart thing to do.

                                                   Wife: And will you let her play with my golf clubs? 

                                                   Husband: No, she is left-handed..... 

                                                   Husband: Oooops....

Difficult to say

Things that are difficult to say 

when drunk:

- Innovative

- Preliminary

- Proliferation

- Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult 

to say when drunk:

- Specificity

- British Constitution

- Passive - aggressive disorder

Things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:

- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

- Nope, no more beer for me

- Sorry, but you're really not my type
- Let's not fight, please let's discuss the matter
- It is absurd to piss by a tree, any toilets around?

- Good evening officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

- Oh, I couldn't.... No one wants to hear me sing
- I will go now, I work tomorrow morning

Stone age internet

Did you ever wonder how internet looked like in the stone age?

Why men are happier

     Men are just happier people. 

     Why? 

     Here are some of the reasons:

        1. Your last name stays the same.

        2. The garage is all yours.

        3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

        4. Chocolate is just another snack.

        5. You can be President.

6. You can never be pregnant.

7. You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.

8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

10. The world is your urinal.

Answering machine messages part 1

Thank you for calling Star Fleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from and how many Klingons are attacking.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He is either saving the Universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nap. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channel in the 24th century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

Drinking fault finder

A solution to all your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front is wet

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to the wrong part of the face

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer usually pale and clear

Fault: Glass is empty

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Solution: Turn glass so that the open end is pointing toward the ceiling.

Reincarnation

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. 

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 

- Who the hell are you? -  demanded Jason, - and what are you doing in my bedroom?

The mysterious man answered:

- This isn't your bedroom and I am St.Peter.

Jason was stunned:

- You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back right away!

St.Peter replied:

- Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. I can only send you back as a dog or a hen. 

Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. In a second he was covered with feathers and clicking around pecking the ground. 

- This ain't so bad - he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. 

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said:

- So you are the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?

- It's not so bad - replies Jason - but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.

- You are ovulating - explained the rooster - don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.

- Never - Jason replied honestly.

-Well, just relax and let it happen -the rooster encouraged him.

And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that happened to him ... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting:

-Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!!!

Weirdest inventions

I can only imagine the fun wearing this ridiculous invention, but, one remark, where is the bra for two? And still, taking off Fundies seems to be easy, but how do you put them on?

This is supposed to be for cleaning... but it looks like bacon, smells like bacon and is simply disgusting. won't be surprised if I see another invention like this, maybe a liver soap, kidney soap, pancreas soap? 

How do we shower?

A quick tutorial for all men and women.

How to shower - a quick tutorial for the women

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas of your body.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and purnice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clear.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Tips for understanding women

Men always say they can't understand women. After reading this you will get the idea why. Here are some of the most used and misunderstood words and phrases all women use that you have heard million times so far:





1. Fine. - I am right. The argument is over. You need to shut up now.

2. That's ok. - One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's ok" means that she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing. - The calm before the storm. This means "something" and you'd better be on your toes. Note: Arguments starting with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (see #1).

4. Five minutes. - if getting dressed, this means at least half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It is the same definition for you when it is your turn to do some chores around the house).

5. Thanks. - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say "you're welcome" and let it go.

6. Loud sigh. - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing" (see #3).

7. Go ahead. - this is a dare, not a permission (Don't do it!).

8. Don't worry about it, I got it. - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and now she is doing it herself  (This will result in you asking her at a later date "What's wrong?" and for her response see #3).

Someone once said "Silence is golden" ..... Or, if you prefer, some loud music will do the trick. After that, be prepared for #2 from the list above.

Boyfriend embarrassment

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her:
-Honey, would you give me a BJ?

Horrified, she replies:
-Are you mad??? My parents will see us !!!
-Oh, come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour? - he asks grinning at her.
-No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?
-Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!
-No way! It's just too risky!
-Oh please please please... I love you so much?!? - he doesn't stop persuading her.
-No, no and no! I love you too, but I just can't!
-Oh yes you can. Please?- the boyfriend is desperate.
-No, no. I just cant....
-I'm begging you?...

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair all messed, and in a sleepy voice she says:

-Dad says to go ahead and give him a BJ, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom will do it, or even dad. But for God's sake tell him to take his f***ing hand off the intercom!!!

Funny stories

At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:

• Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
• Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
• Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
• Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
• Tourist: "Why not?"
• Me: "Because it's extinct."
• Tourist: "Still?"
• Me: "Yes."

Frustrated, he left.

I can guess your name!!!

Quizzes by Quibblo.com | SnapApp Quiz Apps

Nickame generator

Quizzes by Quibblo.com | SnapApp Quiz Apps

Funny online reviews

Daily dose of humor

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "coats and jackets".
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said "cooking".
Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".
Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says...
"Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!





There was this woman who was a big boxing fan, so she went to the tattoo parlor and told the guy that she wanted a picture of Mike Tyson tattooed on the inside of one thigh, and a picture of Evander Holifield tattooed on the inside of the other thigh.
Several hours later, he announces that he's finished. She looks down at his work, but does not think that the tattoos resemble either fighter, so she decides to get a second opinion.
She asks another customer in the shop, "Are you a Boxing fan?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, could you come inside for a second and answer a question for me?" she asked.
So they go inside the office and she opens her legs and asks, "Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Holifield?"
The man bends over and takes a good, long look and says, "I don't know about Tyson and Holifield, but the one in the middle sure does look like Don King! 



A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!