Funny signs

The old bride

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year old lady because she had just gotten married - for the forth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying at the age of 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

- He is a funeral director - she answered.
- Interesting - the newsman replied.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for living.
She paused for a little moment, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she was first married to a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when she was in her 40's, later to a preacher when she was in her 60's, and now, in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

- Easy son, - she smiled, - I married one for the money...two for the show....three to get ready...and four to go!

Real internet addiction

You are maliciously internet addicted when:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your child in the overhead compartment

8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8....ISDN....cable modem...T1....T3.....

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading

Funny cats

Politically correct

How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" 

    She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"

    She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" 

    She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" 

    She is"LIGHT- HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"

    She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"

    She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" 

    She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" 

    She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you 

    She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" 

      She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" 

      She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" 

      She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

What I want in a man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover 

Why a handgun is better than a woman

You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

 You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

Letter to husband

My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. 

 Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

 I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. 

 The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car. 

 I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. 

                                           I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

                                           I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. 

                                          Your loving wife.

                                          XXX 

                                          P.S. Your girlfriend called.

True meaning

Men never listen

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed the predicament.

-Sir, - she said, - You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. 

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have things like this. 

Anticipating great pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. 

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. 

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

-What happened? - he exclaimed.

-You pushed too many buttons, - replied the nurse. - The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Men never listen.