Real internet addiction

You are maliciously internet addicted when:

1. You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page

2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

3. Your eyeglasses have a website burned in on them

4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search

5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines

6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop

7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your child in the overhead compartment

8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8....ISDN....cable modem...T1....T3.....

9. And even your night dreams are in HTML

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading

12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before

13. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives

14. When looking at a page full of someone else's links you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple

15. Your pet has its own home page

16. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos

17. You can't call your grandmother.... she doesn't have a modem

18. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are

19. You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again

20. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore

21. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box

22. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL

23. You don't know the gender of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask

24. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months

25. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games

26. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms

27. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape

28. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

29. You actually try that 123.elm.street address

30. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job

31. Your friends no longer send you e-mails.... they just log on to your IRC channel

32. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and a mouse

33. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"

34. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find search engines useless

35. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher"

36. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off

37. You forget what year it is

38. You start tilting your head sideways to smile

39. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain

40. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wild... the perfect soundtrack for "surfing" the net

41. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited"

42. You turn on your computer and.... turn off your significant other

43. Your spouse says communication is important in marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat